| Fried |
[Apr. 10th, 2007|03:01 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  numb | ] |
I haven't posted in a long time. I just haven't felt like I've had anything remotely interesting to say, or worth the time it would take to type it. Today I handed in the rough draft of my senior seminar paper. It's 22 pages and still missing a heck of a lot of stuff. The conclusion and introduction are terrible, and theres a several year gap in my history that's a significant problem. BUT, it's just a draft and it's all handed in! Surprisingly I'm not as excited or relieved as I thought I would be. I've been consumed by this paper, living sleeping eating it for three weeks. Now that I get a week of rest (next week begins the critiques) I just don't know what to do with myself. Should I start my other homework? I don't even know what's going on in any of my other classes because this is all I've thought about. Should I smoke some pot and play katamari? Or maybe watch some arressted development?
By the way my senior seminar paper is on the roots of feminist activism in England (1850's). I think it's cool, but I don't think most other people will. I guess that's the whole point about narrow history thesis, only a few people are going to be interested. But I was reading (over and over again) the Parliamentary debates regarding the 1857 Divorce Act, and they were so interesting! Of course the belief was that it was ok for a man to commit adultery but not ok for a wife. Hence a wife could only obtain a divorce if her husband committed adultery in combination with: incest, cruelty, or disertion (by the way "cruelty" did not include your modern day assumptions of abuse, most abuse would not count) To see men trying to defend this position is quite interesting. One man suggested that a wife shouldn't be able to obtain divorce solely on the grounds of adultery because she could hire a chambermaid (sexyyy) to intice her husband, forcing him to "forget his duties to society" and of course, since men have no control over their sexuality (as opposed to women who have NO sexual feeling) he was not responsible for his actions. Another interesting part was when a man complained that the weather was too bad (it was July) and they had been talking for quite to long already and maybe they should all retire and talk later. He was countered by an impassioned man going on and on about responsibilty to society in ANY weather.
Ok I'm done with my history for now. I need to stop looking at computer screens for awhile. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 7th, 2007|01:53 pm] |
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Woohoo! I kicked ass this semester! 4 A's and an A-, which means 3.93 for the semester and 3.5 cummulative. I hope I can keep it up next semester. If I can graduate over 3.5 I will be very, very happy. Also, Brian's mom used to work in human resources and she's going to help me put together my resume so I can get going on this job hunt thing. Scary. |
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| yay! |
[Dec. 7th, 2006|09:20 pm] |
I am all done with EVERYthing for the semester. I am in such a good mood and just want to celebrate. Unfortunately, most everyone else still has lots of work and are not in good moods. But oh well, I'm making the most of it. Tomorrow I get to see my brother, my doggy, my kitties, a large fridge and the boyfriend. Weeee!
Also I was thinking the other day about how you never get tired of how cute your pets are. I mean I could spend half the day conversing about the multiple ways my pets are cute, and never get tired of it and the cuteness never diminishes. In fact, half the conversations that go on in my house have to do with the pets in one way or another. Mmm I love pets. Can't wait to have a place where I can have one of my own. Which reminds me, I keep having nightmares about Lily :( And I still miss her. She was so cute!
Off to find some sweets now, I have a craving. |
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| wow |
[Dec. 5th, 2006|11:54 pm] |
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it just got worse. a wall full of black people singing some demented version of gospel appears as a 6 foot white blonde woman struts down the runway in a 6 million dollar bra made of diamonds. if you think about where those diamonds came from, where the music came from, and who's wearing the diamonds and ... oh wait. you're not supposed to think. look at the boobs! |
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| ew |
[Dec. 5th, 2006|11:46 pm] |
| [ | music |
| | "authentic" highland music | ] |
Why am I watching a Victoria Secret show on cbs right now? And as I type this, they're about to engage in a "highland romance" where the models in plaid underwear are marching down the runway to a bagpipe playing. Wow. Speechless.
Granted, I only get two channels on this tv, and the other channel is playing some other stupid shit. And after handing in 25 pages worth of papers, and taking an exam early this morning, and having four classes today, and not getting any sleep last night.. I need some veg time. Hence the crappy tv. |
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| whoa |
[Dec. 3rd, 2006|11:03 pm] |
OK. What is wrong with me? Seriously? I just sat down and wrote 3 pages of a paper I didn't even think I'd start until tommorrow. I've finished my music (jwgh) paper. I'm one page away from finishing my Disney paper. I prepared for my music exam. I mean, I'm just kicking butt! I thought I was going to be flipping out, breaking down, and having constant anxiety attack this week. Yet I'm on top of everything, I'm completely sane, and I feel relaxed. This upcoming week I have 3 exams and 25 pages of paper due, but I'm doing alright and I think this is going to go so much better than expected. I'm really happy with myself right now, and pretty happy about my life.
This brings me to another subject. I started taking effexor about 2 months ago. It started working subtely, but this is the first time I am positive that an anti depressant is making a difference in my life. I used to have obsessive disturbing thoughts, and I all of a sudden noticed two weeks ago that the thoughts had disappeared. My mood has been stable and I'm enjoying my life. Even though I kept trying with different medications, I never thought that there was something out there that could actually help me in the way that this drug has. I've tried lots of medications before and I always wondered, is this working and I don't know it? Is it not working or am I just always going to be like this? Kind of like how you just cant understand what an orgasm is like until you've had one, I never understood I could feel un-depressed until now. I think this really has made a huge change in my life that I yet have seen the full effects of. I've been depressed my entire life. My earliest memory of being depressed was in second grade. While there are things in my life I know have contributed to my depression, I think a major part of it has been a chemical problem, and I think effexor has really nailed the problem.
I never really expected to write this much about it but I just got going. I don't really know how people will feel about all that personal information, but for anyone who's having problems with depression I would suggest not giving up, because you can find something helps. |
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| papers suck ass. |
[Nov. 29th, 2006|07:47 pm] |
do end of the semesters suck or what? man I can't wait to be able to say I never have to do those again.
Just an update- my grandmother survived the operation! Which is a fricken miracle in one sense, but not because she's a ridiculously tough little Scottish woman that refuses to let anything get her down. Some people in the family weren't as overjoyed as me because now she has to go through painful physical therapy and it's been just one step closer to the end. But I'm overjoyed because the day after the surgery when I saw her she was smiling and laughing and knew where she was and who all of us were. She sounded like herself, and I'm glad I got that at least one more time before I'm forced to say goodbye.
Grr now back to paper writing. |
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| My Grandmother |
[Nov. 22nd, 2006|11:51 pm] |
My Nana is in the hospital and she's had a heart attack and broken her hip. I guess I just don't feel like going over the details anymore, I've been hearing/telling them for two days. It's come down to two options: operate on her hip, with a good chance she won't survive the operation or don't operate and she becomes a vegetable in a nursing home. Everyone knows that's not what Nana wants, and no one else wants that either. I'm glad the family has agreed on that. Basically the family has decided that if the osteo surgeon says that its not 100% she'll die we will do the operation, despite it's riskiness. There's a bunch of family politics going on of course, because of my money grabbing selfish aunt Julie and her children (when my grandfather died they showed up with trucks and started taking things, including his war medals and the flag presented to my grandmother at the funeral). I thought Carla was going to flip her lid today but she managed to keep cool. In any case I can't imagine my life without Nana. I just can't. How can we have a family without Nana? We can't. Without Nana and without Papa I just don't know where we are. I can't imagine anything but emptiness. They were the glue. Now Alan is in jail, Kyle's on base in Alaska, we never see Julie or all those cousins because they are bad people, Carla is in the airforce and always somewhere else. My family was always so close, I have 12 cousins and gradually I just don't even see them anymore.
And not that there's a good time for this, but two weeks before the semester ends, with 5 papers and 3 final exams. If I lost her I don't know how I could get through that. I've been secretly hoping that by me thinking worst case scenario I will jinx the whole thing and she'll be back to being Nana again in a couple weeks.
Eesh. I really love her. She's the most amazing woman. If I'm ever half as tough and strong willed as that little 100 lb lady, well then I can be really proud of myself. |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 15th, 2006|01:37 pm] |
So my best friend here on campus is not doing so well, to understate it. It's really got me worried. Sometimes when I give advice or express my worry, I feel like I'm coming across more nagging or annoying, and I can't exactly tell when he wants to be left alone, when he's just being polite, and when he wants me to shut up. And in a more selfish way, I'm feeling left alone. Thank god for Emily and our tuesdays and thursdays. I've never been a big people person. I've always had a couple friends I keep really close rather then a bunch of friends that are less close. Part of it is the fact I'm pretty picky with who I choose as friends, and part of it is my social anxiety which keeps me from feeling completely comfortable with people I don't know well enough. In any case, I don't have a lot of friends here at Wheaton, which for the most part doesn't bother me. Just now when I feel like I'm losing my best friend.
In searching for the brighter side of things, I had a great weekend going to the movie with Emily and Andrew (am I supossed to use their lj names instead? thats what everyone else seems to do .. ) And also Wright's Farm, which was totally crazy but yummy and resulted in the consumption of mucho sugar the rest of the weekend. In addition, I am so happy with myself for my choice of project for Feminist Criticism, it's best choice I've ever made and the project is kick ass. It's "feminsit approaches to Disney films" including all the animated films like Cinderella, Aladdin, Beauty and the Beast, ect. and some of the live action films like Pretty Woman. I'm editing a collection of articles, and the articles have been so fun to read, its almost like I'm not doing homework. I'm pretty sure Brian is tired of hearing me talk about Disney, not that that's stopped me . . |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 9th, 2006|05:23 pm] |
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I should either be awake and doing homework or tired and taking a nap. But instead I'm too tired to do homework, and incapable of napping. So I'm just sitting here wasting time on the internet. I'm no enjoying my sleep disturbances. This semester has been really tough so far as my five course load. Luckily, thanksgiving day break is right around the corner, where I can eat lots and lots of food and *try* not to think of the million papers and exams that will follow. Also luckily, Emily is taking me to Jake's show tonight, so that I can get my ass off campus and see some cool people and have fun. Yay for Providence! |
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| History :) |
[Oct. 17th, 2006|11:53 pm] |
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The disposition to do history- that is, to try to say truly what has happened, why it has happened, and what it means that it has happened- is one of the most fundamental, distinctive, and meaningful of human activities. It is so deeply embedded in the human condition that it practically defines who and what we are. Insofar as we are historians, we are demi-gods, constructing symbolic worlds- “the past”- not ex nihilo but out of materials at hand- “our evidence.” These materials constraining and shape what we can build. As a by-product of our constructing a past, we create ourselves, perhaps not who we really are but the only versions of ourselves that short of a mystical illumination we shall ever know. It is really quite an amazing process. It is unimaginable that we will ever voluntarily stop acting on the disposition to create a past, and almost unimaginable that we will ever stop refining it in the contest of professional historical studies. Without historical interpretations we are brutes without even a sense of our own identities. With them, we are human. |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 1st, 2006|10:09 pm] |
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Sometimes college is like ew. I mean theres this girl on my hallway who wears white uggs and mini skirts all the time. And she's glowing orange with fake tan like half of wheaton's population. And the jocks in the all boys hallway attached to mine .. ugh. Also, some dude today asked me if I was a freshman. I was walking with nate and I commented "whats going on over there?" Some dude behind us says "It's a tiki concert, are you a freshman?" I responded something like "Uhhh no. I'm a senior." In other words, I'm not a freshman so back off, cause hitting on me isn't going to work. Also .. freshman!?!? I'm 23 fucking years old. Come on. Fuck living on campus. I don't recognize anyone, and everywhere I look is skankiness and stupidity. Also Nick has at this point started blatantly hitting on me, as he commented on my butt today. He's invited me to two parties already. Can I not be friends with guys without this happening? Or can I only be friends with guys who are already taken? |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 17th, 2006|11:52 am] |
So I'm still on vacation but I thought I'd make a quick post while I'm sitting around doing nothing. I got to DC on saturday. Sunday afternoon Gina (Brian's friend with whom we're staying), her dog bit my foot. I only have one tooth puncture mark but it went pretty damn deep. It started swelling and I soaked it in hot salty water and what not, but the next day the swelling just kept getting worse. I went to the ER, waited around three hours, got some crutches, antibiotics, motrin, and vicadin. I sat around for about 3 days doing nothing but resting my foot. Yesterday I checked out some museums but it was so exhausting it looks like today is another sit around day, even though I was SO psyched to go to the zoo. It's pretty dissapointing that I was waiting for this vacation all summer and now here I am sitting around on my butt. I'm not good at sitting around on my butt. I get restless and bored. And just knowing there are SO many things in DC I wanted to see that I can't . . boo. Also, Gina's dog bit me AGAIN yesterday in the exact same spot, except this time I had a shoe on so it didn't injure me. I also had to witness an intense screaming fight about it between her and her roomate.
Alls not that bad though. Brian's friends are totally sweet and make ne feel at home. And with this whole foot thing I keep expecting Brian to get annoyed with having to do shit for me and giving me piggy backs to the car, but he's been nothing but complete awesomeness. He takes care of me without complaint and seems to even enjoy it. I have an awesome boyfriend. |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 10th, 2006|11:12 pm] |
I cant sleep I cant sleep I cant sleeeeep
for the fourth night in a row. what is wrong with me?
maybe I'll do some dishes .. |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 10th, 2006|03:18 pm] |
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So today was my last day at Roger Williams. John and Sparkle surprised me with a ton of delicious chocolate from whole foods and a certificate- and said thank you a ton of times. John also said if I need a reccommendation he'll give me one for anything. It made me sad to leave because everyone there was SO nice to me the entire time, and it seems like they actually appreciated the work I did. I'm feeling very good right now, except for the whole part where I ate too much chocolate and my stomach is spazzing out. But I'm really glad I chose to do this internship- I learned a lot of stuff you can't learn from school, and the people at the park made it super fun. It's one work place I actually plan on visiting again. |
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| argh |
[Aug. 8th, 2006|08:18 pm] |
I just called my mom to ask a quick question and then she said she was tired and sad because she feels like they're stuck in a hell hole they can't get out of. Awesome. repeat after me "i will not be sucked into this hell hole i will not be sucked into this hell hole .. "
What a motherfucking streak of bad shit for my family- like two years of straight shit. Sometimes I wonder maybe there IS a God and I'm doing something wrong and he's been punishing me and all I have to do is figure what that thing is so I can fix it ... The worst is thinking about how sad and depressed my parents are. My grandfather dying, my dad getting sick, my dad being fired on false charges and being dragged through over a year of court case bull shit while trying to support the family on unemployment checks, the house burning and the battle with the insurance company, my car dying, my moms car continually breaking down, jon dumping me, my dad starting to chain smoke again, having to put lily to sleep.. on and on. I finally got to go to scotland- and it had been my dad's dream, though he'd never say it, to go there. And then the house burned and there was no way they could come out to visit me while I was there. There's no way they'll ever be able to afford that. Blech I gotta stop. It's just like this mental list I didn't even mean to make, and then I feel shallow for bitching about my life. It's just that calling home is always this reminder.
I have to prevent this journal entry from being completely icky cause then maybe my spirits will be prevented from being sucked into the hell hole with my mom. Some awesome things from late:
I met Brian- who makes me feel like no matter what, my life is going to be ok in the future.
I got to do my JYA abroad- and visit Ireland while I was over there
Despite no car and working at the gap, I've had a pretty damn good summer. Emily's helped a ton and my internship has been really enjoyable.
Becky has made me feel like my last year at wheaton won't be TOTAL hell. God I hope so.
I was just reminded of this thing I saw on Oprah once, which sounds kinda lame but it was nice. She was recommending that before you go to bed at night, think of three thinks you really like about yourself (trying to make them different every night) It sounds stupid but I remember it actually helped a bit- cause it forces you to really think about yourself in a positive light instead of dwelling on the negative, which is way too easy. At least for me. God these journal entries must make me sound like the most depressed icky person ever. I'm actually not that bad. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 31st, 2006|09:32 am] |
How many fucking garbage trucks need to go down this street in the morning? SERIOUSLY? I think this is like the 5th I've heard since 4 am. It's making me insane.
So the weekend with my mom was totally stressful, but not too bad. We went to wildlife preserves both days which was neat. I tried to commit a bunch of new stuff to memory, like identifying a couple birds by call, some fish we saw, some wildflowers, some mushrooms. There were a ton of monarch butterflies out which was awesome. I like all the stuff I can learn from my mom, and I'm glad I was raised to enjoy that sorta stuff. I spend so much time doing indoorsy stuff with Brian and other people, I really miss being able to go out to parks and stuff. Emily's new dog park has a ton of different cool trees and I want to classify all of them. Because I'm cool like that. When I lived in Maine and had a car, I could just head out by myself to the ocean or wherever, but here I'm just stuck in the city.
I really don't know how I'm going to make it through this week. The idea of going to the gap for endless mind numbing shifts with loud obnoxious people makes me want to call out sick - every day- or just quit right now. They have me work in BabyGap and there's' NOTHING x 10 to do in BabyGap. Once you've folded and sized everything, which takes like a half hour, then theres NOTHING. You don't get many customers. So I just end up standing around, folding shirts that are already folded, and staring into space. But I need the money. Also it's supposed to be ridiculously hot and humid and walking to/from work is going to be HELL. I can take the bus at least one way, but I have to stop by the park for a couple hours also, and theres no convenient bus that goes between the apartment and the park. Hence, I will be walking in 98 degrees and humid weather.
Last night on the phone Brian was mentioning how he was sad and depressed waking up every morning, which came as a surprise to me because he's never said anything about it. Of course I tell him every time I'm feeling like shit, and now I just feel stupid for telling him. He said "I'm just good at hiding it." Which makes me feel like I'm supposed to be hiding it too. And when I said that he said, no thats just who you are, you talk about it. Well no, thats NOT who I am. I don't fucking talk about it. But I talk about it with YOU because I thought you wanted me to, and I thought we were supposed to be having an open talky type relationship, and now I just feel stupid.
Blech. The weekend feels like an eternity away. |
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| just kidding |
[Jul. 24th, 2006|05:12 pm] |
Ill sum up the two days that happened after the last journal entry- two funerals and a wedding. It was an intense weekend. On the brighter side, I bought a pretty dress for the wedding, and I got a couple of really nice comments, and that made me feel pretty. Plus there are two more weddings in the fall that I have to go to so the dress will actually get some use.
I'm starting to really feel annoyed that I don't have a car. I cant just be like, oh I have errands to run? I'll go do them. I have to wait around until Brian visits every other week or so. And even the grocery store is hard cause I can't buy cold stuff and I can't make ACTUAL grocery trips cause I can't carry that much back. And I basically don't go anywhere but the park (for work), the mall (for work), and back home. And I'm sick of walking the same old path to and from work every day. And I want to drive somewhere and see something. And if I want to go back to maine to visit I have to do all this crazy bus/train scheduling and it takes me a couple extra hours.
Yeah I know, whine whine bitch bitch. My life is so sad. But forgive my whining about the car thing cause I'm deep down glad I dont have one. No gas money, no car insurance, no repairs. It's saving me a hell of a lot of money. And since I ear HORRIBLE lately (somebody NEEDS to finish my oreos), the exercise makes me feel ok with myself.
I can't wait to quit the gap. I've never cared so little about a job as this job at the gap. Not that I haven't had shitty jobs before, but I think it might be because I'm hoping this is the last time I ever have to work a similar part time piece of crap retail job. Here's hoping... |
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| General Okay-ness |
[Jul. 13th, 2006|01:34 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  good | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Guster | ] |
I woke up this morning in a pretty good mood. I felt the anxiety starting to creep up on me and I thought, I have to get out of here as quick as possible before it gets so bad that I don't end up leaving the apartment. So I showered while Lily scurried about the bathroom floor then headed to the park. I had a great time at the park today. Essentially it was because I did anything BUT research. I chatted about the gardens, dumps, and random historical facts with the rangers. Identified a caterpillar that was killing the flowers, identified chew marks on the pumpkins as mice, helped load garbage into the truck... random stuff. It was really enjoyable. Then I got permission to visit the RI HIstorical Society Library for free, and headed to whole foods for lunch. I have this anxiety right now, about my mom coming here and also about it being Lily's last day (that hurts to say). But I'm smiling and ignoring it because today it wont get the best of me damnit! |
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| boo |
[Jul. 12th, 2006|08:44 am] |
I decided on tuesday, wait is today wednesday? I guess I decided on monday, that at the end of the week I'm going to put lily down. When I finally realized it was time, I broke down and started bawling. I felt like people were going to think I was stupid for crying so much about a rat, but everyone I've talked to so far has been super nice about it. She's so fricken cute, I'm going to miss her so much. So much has happened since I got her. She's moved everywhere with me. It SUCKS. It makes me feel sick to my stomach when I think about it. I called Brian while I was really upset the other day, and then felt bad about it almost instantly, becuase it totally made him think about his fathers death, and I was crying uncontrollably. Also it means I'm not going to maine this week like planned, I decided to stay with Lily, and when my mom visits later in the week she's going to take me to do it.
Last night I was upset but instead of crying, Brian and I had a moment that could have turned into a fight. I just backed out and said I was going to go. Then I sat on my balcony and drank beer by myself and ended up getting drunk. When I talked to Brian later we just pretended that conversation never had happened. Sometimes he makes me feel like a mental case. Like everythings all in my head, so if I'm upset or I need reassurance about something, its because I'm a crazy girlfriend. And I honestly don't trust myself enough to know if my feelings actually are completely unjustified or if they have actual basis. This is exactly how I felt when I was dating Joe, and that makes the situation ten times more anxiety creating then it would otherwise. I talked to Jon last night to get some perspective, cause I don't remember having this problem when we dated. Maybe cause I wasn't in love with Jon, or maybe cause he handled the situation differently. Who knows. But he reassured me that we didn't actually have this problem, so it can't be all me. I still don't trust that answer. |
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